Month: January 2018

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Dear Family

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My first thought was to say I am sorry for disgracing you by addressing my depression publicly, but after giving it some thought, I feel I owe you no apologies.

I am not sorry for realising that something was going on in my life and I could not get out a depressive mode.

I am not sorry that I accepted my diagnosis and got the help that I needed. No, I am not crazy, in fact I can focus a lot more clearly now that I understand what is happening.

I am tired of being sorry that I can not please you and I can finally take the time that I need to look after my self.

I am tired of picking up your pieces and being asked to be the mediator in your fights only to be blamed for things later.

I am tired of being the person you guilt trip into babysitting, running your errands and lending you money that never gets repaid.

I am tired of being afraid to say I just need time out today or have a lie in for fear of being called lazy.

I am tired of being validated by what I do for you. It will never be enough, the more I do the more the demands get.

I am fed up of your constant opinions that hinder me from using my ideas and moving on with my life. Why do you feel the need to bring me down all the time?

I am learning to be brave enough to say no when I can not do something for you whether it pleases you or not.

I am learning to rest when my body needs it and do things on my terms.

I am learning to embark on projects that I want and let you know  about them later, I do not need permission to do what I want but you have made me feel like that for as long as I can remember.

I am learning that though I may be far from perfect, I can strive be the best person that i can be.

I am learning that you and I can have a relationship without me being, your fixer, your cashpoint, your  driver, your maid and your punchbag.

Finally I feel a release, a strong sense of freedom that I can focus on myself for a change, put myself first for a change.

That is not to say that I will not help when you are in need but I need to be comfortable and want to help and not feel under pressure to do something for you because you need me to.

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Depression: Supporting loved ones

Experiencing depression can be very overwhelming to the sufferer and to close family and friends.

We all have moments of feeling down or sad but if these emotions persist over a long period of time or become severe, it may be a sign that someone may be suffering from depression.

It is important to support loved ones by encouraging that they seek help and reassure them that it is Ok to ask for help.

Encourage them to talk about how they feel as it may sometimes be hard for them to express themselves. Some people feel that it is a sign of weakness to share their feelings.

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Sometimes its good to just listen, having someone to talk to and not be judged about how you feel or be told to ‘get over it and ‘we all go through it’ does not help the person experiencing depression. In fact, it forces them to shut down and be more private about their situation leading them to suffer in silence.

If you do not live with them, try to keep in touch more often. Sometimes they may not even have the energy to keep up with day to day things like making phone calls or leaving the house.

It may be hard to understand why your friend or family member is depressed especially if you have not experienced it yourself. Please try not to be judgemental or find blame as to why the person is suffering from depression. It is not easy to snap out of it, there is no magic button to switch off depression. Do not be critical of their situation or make it about yourself and say,  “we all get depressed, I have it but I manage, stop thinking too much”.

If they have been prescribed medication, support them to continue with their medication especially in the first few weeks while they adjust to the medication and experience some unpleasant side effects.

Encourage them to see their doctor if they feel worse with their medication or the side effects are continuous.

While it is tempting to help them with everything, it is important to encourage them to undertake their day to day tasks like cooking, cleaning and going to do their food shopping.

It is also important to look after yourself so that you have the energy to support your friend or family member. If you feel that you can not help them it is Ok to be honest and say that you can’t help and suggest that they seek help of professionals if they need to.

 

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Don’t wait until I am gone to bring me flowers

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In our everyday lives we take so many things for granted.

We storm off to work after an argument, ignore text messages from loved ones, hold grudges and don’t make up after disagreements because tomorrow is another day.

However, our tomorrows have no guarantees and when we lose a loved one without making peace with them it causes much more grief than saying I am sorry, I miss you or I love you to their face.

We then spend a long time after the loss of a loved one asking “what if ‘ and ‘if only I had taken that call, if only I had popped in to see him or if only I had been more patient with her’, but it will be too late to make amends.

Take time to celebrate your children, your parents, friends and spouses now and deal with the issues at hand while you can still have a dialogue and things can be worked out.

There are many instances where in death a lot of issues in a family have not been resolved then it is difficult to have an opinion or express yourself for fear of speaking ill of the dead especially in certain cultures.

It is important to live wisely, love kindly and care deeply for the people around us. Send the messages, make amends and show appreciation to people when they are still alive as they will not see the effort you will make when they are gone.

 

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Happy New Year

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As the clocks struck at midnight and we joined hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, I took a moment to reflect on my year.

2017 was a year of highs and lows for me but mainly lows. It was an eye opener which helped me to look at the world differently.

It was the year I learnt that I have to value my loved ones everyday and not leave apologies and making up until the next time.

It was the year that I lost my father shortly after he had just come back into our lives.

It was the year that my only son turned 21 and started to make real decisions about what he wanted to do with his life.

It was the year that I learnt who my real friends are and that I do not need that many people in my life.

It was the year that I learned the power of ‘No’, and that it was okay to put myself first for a change and not lose sleep over it.

It was my last year in my 30’s and I look forward to turning 40 in May.

I had spent the last few days of 2017 saying I cant wait for this year to end, but I woke up today feeling the same as everyday.

I know that I can not magic away the negative events that happened in 2017 but I can choose to leave some things behind and try to continue looking forward not backward.

I just want to thank all my friends and family that were with me through my trying times for all their support and patience.

May 2018 bring you all that you wish for and more.

Lots of love,

Zandi