Friends come and go Life flies by right before your eyes. You lose ones you love Yet through it all you still love your life.
People leave you to fight alone You put on a fake smile to hide all your pain Yet someone still knows your hurt.
Through it all you still put on a front to satisfy those around you Thorough it all you wouldn’t change a thing Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.
You build a wall to try to keep from getting hurt You lock up you heart and throw away the key to see who cares enough to look for the key Through it all there’s not many people that got you to open up yet still you love it all.
Struggles meet you in the face to watch you slip up Yet through it all you wouldn’t change a thing.
Through it all you wouldn’t change a thing Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.
A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.
I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.
Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.
When I woke up, I started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to at least try.
I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.
After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.
I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.
It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.
I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.
I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.
You can not pour from an empty cup
So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.
It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.
You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.
You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.
Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.
Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.
You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists
Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.
Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.
When most people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.
When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.
There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.
Below are some examples:
Alcohol
Alcohol affects the nervous system and causes moods to fluctuate.
It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.
Stress
Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions.
Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.
Over the counter medication
Taking unprescribed over the counter medications can be as detrimental as not getting treatment.
Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.
Negative thoughts
Negative thoughts and negative company can make you feel worthless
It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.
Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.
Isolation
Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawing and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health
The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.
When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.
Not taking care of yourself
Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.
Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your physical well-being as well.
Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.
Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.
You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.
Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.
Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.
Men are expected hide their weaknesses.
Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.
Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.
Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.
Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.
Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.
This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.
There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.
Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.
Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.
Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.
What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!
Why do you want to adopt western values?
That is a rich man’s illness.
That is a white man’s illness.
Seriously, what has race got to do with it?
Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.
There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.
Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.
It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.
There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression
When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.
There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.
Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.
Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.
When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.
But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.
If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!
If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.
When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.
It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.
As with any loss, it is usual to have
Feelings of frustration and anger
Sadness
Crying
Shock
Denial
Loneliness
Fear
Insomnia
Loss of interest in activities
The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.
There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;
taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
writing or talking about it
appreciating your own self-worth
not blaming yourself
If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.
If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.
Some of the symptoms to look out for are;
Feeling worthless
Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
Loss of appetite
Compulsive eating for comfort
Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
Having suicidal thoughts
Feeling empty everyday
Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
Having no energy for most of the day
Low self esteem
Feeling anxious
It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.
If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.
As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.
It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.
It is good to be appraised for a job well done
Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.
If you find yourself
overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.
For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.
This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.
We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.
You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like
Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation
Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.
It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.
Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.
We can not pray away mental illness
There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.
Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.
This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.
Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)
This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.
He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.
His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”
Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.
The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.
Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
When I opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression, I expected to receive mixed reactions but I wasn’t prepared for the lack of support from the people that I considered as friends
People suddenly became experts on the subject
These are the things I was told;
Don’t take any medication it will only make you worse.
Black people don’t suffer from depression, you are adopting western values.
That is just a sign of weakness, we all go through stuff.
Depression is for people with money, poor people haven’t got time for such illnesses.
Snap out of it, pull yourself together.
There are people having a harder time than you are in Africa, think of the starving people and the orphans.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself, go and exercise and you will feel better.
You don’t look like someone who is depressed.
If I am honest, none of those suggestions helped me. It showed me just how little people, especially in Black African communities understand depression hence the stigma surrounding it and people suffering in silence.
I had a conversation with someone last week and they asked why I have been so quiet of late.
I said I had been busy and I needed to take some time for my recovery and they said, “Oh! What’s eating you?”
This was the very first person that I told when I was at my worst and they tried to talk me out of taking medication, so it really disappointed me to explain myself again – but, I told them.
They then started asking me what my plans for the future were, what makes me happy, what do I want out of my life, what is the most important thing in my life etc.
I felt like I was being interviewed for a job and no matter what I said I was met with another question.
I don’t know how I managed to stay calm during that conversation but I realised we have a long way to go in raising awareness about mental health issues and caring for people affected by mental health.
I then had someone else make contact via text and they asked me if I had sorted out my “crap”. Really… crap? The last time I spoke to them I had just been diagnosed but they never bothered to pop in or offer any comfort but when they want to hang out they expect me to have sorted out my crap. How does my struggle with anxiety and depression equate to crap?
That text remains unanswered and I have decided that I will not be engaging in conversation with that person.
Now I understand why people do not disclose their mental illnesses. Too many stereotypes and stigma attached to it. What does depression really look like?
‘I always thought you were a bit crazy’ is another response that I get from some people that think that they are making light of the situation when in actual fact they aren’t.
“Do you think it’s wise to share and write on a public platform that you suffered from depression?”
The answer is yes..how else do we raise awareness of mental health if we don’t talk about it? People experience mental health in different ways, some personally and some are care givers for friends and family members.
Depression knows no age, no race, no gender, it doesn’t care how little or how much you have. It affects everyone.
According to mind.org, approximately 1 in 4 people in UK will experience a mental health problem each year and 1 in 6 people report experiencing common mental health problems like anxiety and depression every week.
Let’s be a bit understanding and accommodating to those that we see struggling, you cannot force anyone to get treatment but the first step is to show understanding so that they may open up.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!
