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Be Body Kind – Mental Health Awareness Week 13-19 May 2019

This week is Mental Health Awareness week and the theme is body image. Body image issues can affect anyone and at any stage in life and social media has played a big part in  causing a lot of people to worry about their body image.

Our body image is what we reflect and how we feel when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.

Body image issues can be about appearance and what you think about your body,  such as your weight, height, colour.  It can be how you feel within your own skin and it may be positive or negative.

Today, I am choosing to use my own experience in this topic as someone that has struggled with my own body image.

What happened to you?

The picture above is of me and my son, four years apart.

In those 4 years, life has happened; mental health problems, losses and gains for both of us, as well as embarking on the long road to recovery.

Of-course I don’t do myself any favours by sharing pictures with those that I care about and think feel the same.

These pictures were compared in this way, with the caption ‘what happened to you’.

The first one was at my sons 18th and we were happy.

The second one he was 22, on his graduation and and we were happy.

I said I didn’t understand, and they said; ‘well you have clearly put on a lot of weight from the last picture. What have you been doing to yourself? Surely you can work hard at looking like that again if you made the effort’.

Then it clicked; our milestones didn’t matter to them, it was the way I looked that they were interested in. And then it really started to bother me.

The extra pounds that I have gained over the years started to feel like hundreds, I started to ask myself if I could look better. But better than who? Better than what?

I had allowed someone to judge me by a picture, to justify myself to someone why I didn’t look  the way they expected me to and it really did affect me, to the point that my self-confidence started to wane.

It took me a long time to recover from that, but I had to remind myself how far I had come in my recovery to allow that to affect me for too long.

When we continuously worry about how we look it can impact our self-esteem and confidence, and the media has a strong influence on what we think the standard body should look like.

Looking at ‘perfect’ pictures of others and then comparing them to ourselves only leads us to feel worse about ourselves and it is a practice that we need to stop.

When people are constantly plagued with negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies their likelihood to develop certain mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety is high.

A negative body image may also lead to low self-esteem, which can affect many areas of your life and you may start to obsess constantly about what you eat, how much you exercise or even avoid certain people; but there are steps that you can take to develop a healthier body image.

The more you practice thinking positive thoughts about yourself and the fewer negative thoughts you have about your body, the better you will feel about who you are and how you look.

Working on accepting how you look is healthier than constantly working to change how you look. Always be kind to yourself and accept that a healthy body image is good for a healthy mind.

 

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Signs of depression to look out for and how to get help.

Depression affects approximately 1 in 4 people of the UK population. Many people suffer from depression but are unaware of the signs or may choose to ignore them in the hope that the feelings may pass.

It may also be a case of not wanting to accept a diagnosis of depression due to the stigma attached to it and the taking of antidepressants or it could be cultural reasons that are holding them back from acknowledging that they need help.

The longer that treatment is delayed, the more difficult it is for depression to be treated, with a higher chance of recurrence. It can also contribute to or worsen other medical conditions.

Here are some signs of depression that you may look out for and if you or someone close to you has experienced any of them for 2 weeks or longer it would be good to see your family doctor to discuss treatment.

  • Loss of interest in activities that one used to enjoy, loss of libido and being in an extended state of irritable mood.
  • Trouble remembering details or concentrating.
  • Unexplained feelings of fatigue or lack of energy over an extended period of time. Fatigue that is brought about by depression is not associated with other causes such as an increase in physical activity or other conditions.
  • Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, worthlessness, and helplessness. When someone is depressed, these feelings occur nearly every day and can be severe enough to be delusional.
  • Hopelessness and Pessimism.
  • Oversleeping or insomnia.
  • Restlessness.
  • Loss of appetite or mindless comfort overeating.
  • Aches and pains that won’t go away.
  • Constant sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness.
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts and self-harming. A person suffering from depression may have recurrent deliberations of suicide or attempt suicide.

If you are feeling suicidal please get help by going to your  A&E Department at the hospital or call 999 or call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)

You may call the Samaritans on freephone 116 123 if you don’t want to go to A&E but want to talk to someone, they are open 24 hours.

You may also contact your GP for an emergency appointment or call the out of hors team.

There is help and treatment available, do not suffer in silence.

 

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

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You Are Enough, Just As You Are.

Your self-worth comes from accepting that you are enough just the way you are and you do not need validation from anyone else to make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes we look for love or approval from other people and it affects us greatly when we can not stand up for ourselves by setting goals to what other people see as important.

No one is perfect, some may pretend to be, but you may not know the battles that they are facing; so instead of comparing yourself to others, live your life one day at a time and do what is best for you.

I am a great fan of poetry and the words in this one really resonated with me so I have decided to share it and hope it will bring inspiration to you.

 

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth
by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what
other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future,
By living your life one day at a time.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast
that you forget not only where you have been
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

– Nancye Sims

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But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

 

 

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Are you depending on other people for your happiness?

All of us want to be happy and all of us deserve to be happy.

There are many things in our lives that bring us joy; our families, friendships, partnerships, possessions and jobs.

We all need to give and get support from others, but how much do we rely on the people around us for our inner happiness? How much are we attached to the things that we believe bring us happiness?

It is good to have healthy relationships and healthy attachments with people so that when they are not around, you can still function and progress on your own.

When you are emotionally dependent on your children and they grow up and leave home, you will be left with a void that can’t be filled. It is best for parents not to “live for their kids”, find new interests and hobbies so that when the time comes, they do not get deeply affected by the changes.

According to research (Psychology Today), Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) that persists for a long time ends up developing into depression.

Sometimes the children do not turn out to be what the parents expected them to become and it leaves them feeling resentful and betrayed because they projected the children to be their source of happiness.

When you are attached to a partner and the relationship ends, it takes away a significant part of you because you would have been living a life based on feeding your need to be wanted.

If you have friends and you find yourself getting upset when you discover that they are attending an event that you haven’t been invited to, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

You have to understand and accept that people can be friends with you and acquainted with others; and vice versa. They may be friendly with other workmates or parents at their children’s schools and they do not need a green light from you to go where they are invited.

Maybe they just want a break from you and your neediness, and so they  choose to go with other people.

Here are some of the signs that you may be relying on other people to make you happy:

  • Do you find it difficult to be alone and get anxious when people don’t respond to your calls?
  • Do you feel hurt when people you consider to be friends don’t invite you to a party or social event?
  • Do you feel good when you are getting approval and praise from people around you but feel dispirited when you don’t?
  • Do you feel neglected when your partner is out with his/her friends or workmates?
  • Do you find someone sitting quietly and assume that they are upset with you about something even though they are just reflecting?
  • When you are in a romantic relationship do you feel that you can’t live without the person you are dating?
  • Do you think that your partner or children should always be there for you even when they have other things going on in their lives?

 

There is a difference between loving someone and being needy. When you abandon yourself and expect other people to fill your inner void you will become dependent on their company to feel good.

No one should enter into any form of relationship with someone and expect to be instantly fixed of their emotional baggage. You have to be ready to stand on your own first before you allow people into your life so that they do not influence your decisions.

All grow-ups need to take responsibility for their physical and emotional well-being and not depend on others to make it worthwhile for them.

You have to learn to create your own happiness, fall in love with yourself first then you won’t need to be so dependent on other people. In fact, you will be able to love others freely and be able to let go without losing a part of yourself.

You should not be relying on anyone to make you happy.

 

 

 

 

 

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There Is Light At The End of the Tunnel

Let me share with you something; there are wounds that will never show on your body and are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

Depression doesn’t discriminate. It knows no boundaries. Whether you are young, old, rich, poor, fat, thin, beautiful, ugly, popular, loved or lonely – depression doesn’t see a difference and it affects all kinds of people.

Depressed people are not always lonely people who walk all alone. They are the beautiful lady smiling as she sobs inside, the handsome successful footballer, the mother pushing a stroller and smiling at her baby, the father playing catch with his son, the famous dancer, the award-winning musician and the well published authors.

The point is, we can’t always tell if someone is depressed because people are good at hiding their feelings. There are people out there, just getting through the day however they can, to get to the next one, even though they are tired of their life.

Depression… it just eats you up slowly and slowly from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over your mind. The most horrible thing is that it will isolate you and make you feel so lonely.

I managed to turn everything that was said to me into a bad thing, I was clearly my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so drained from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was useless and so unbearable, waking up every day doing the same thing over and over again.

I felt so sick when it was night time because that’s when the voices got even louder and so intense. I would get frustrated because it seemed difficult to sleep. It’s like insomnia and depression go hand in hand; the pain of being desperate to sleep but you can’t switch off.

I knew that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden.

I wanted to be free of meds, doctors and negative thoughts.

I felt as if I was losing myself and would never be the same again, I started being scared of life, wondering why I was even alive.

I lacked the motivation to do anything because I couldn’t see a future for myself; not existing felt like a better option.

Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me, so I tended to push people away.

‘Cheer up’, people would say, that but that was the worst thing anyone could have said to me.

Those two words triggered thousands of horrifying thoughts and I was constantly beating myself up for not hiding how I felt well enough from everyone around me.

Some were dismissive, saying ‘you have issues or you like attention’.

I would cry myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to share how I felt but I didn’t dare to tell them because I knew that they wouldn’t understand and would be judgmental about what I was going through.

Ultimately, I just decided to isolate myself in my room because less contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, but that’s where the battlefield was at.

There was a moment where I relied on medication and I am grateful because it really helped me.

There were times where I felt like taking my own life and sometimes, I wonder what deterred me from doing it because I had all the resources to go and just do it.

It petrified me to realise that in order to get on the road to recovery, I had to look inside myself to be able to start the process.

I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop oppressing myself, it’s a habit that’s been hard to break but I know I’ve made some positive changes.

You are the only person who can turn your life around and choose what emotions you want your mind to play.

I feel that if I hadn’t been through this hell hole, I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy.

I have graduated from university with an honours degree, gained some certifications and run my own business. I can now see a future and I have a belief that I will build an empire in something that I love, something that makes ME happy, not focusing on what others want from me.

If I was given a chance to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling with this illness; it would be to encourage them not to suffer in silence, talk to someone and not isolate themselves.

There are a lot of people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing now and have come out on the other side. In fact, their experiences have made them who they are today, most of them are great positive people because they won the battle.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do because depression is an illness like any other; you can overcome it.

I have learnt to show myself the same love, respect and concern that I would show for others. We accept that other parts of our bodies can be fragile, why can’t we be that way about our minds too?

Depression is an illness that can be managed and treated. I have experienced it and I am proof that you can be happy again and live the life you want but you need to ask for and accept help.

If you think someone is depressed and in a bad place, the best thing you can do is to talk to them and also find someone that can help.

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You are strong for surviving

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.

Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.

We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”

 

Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

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“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I  had to contribute to the family during  bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days  when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

 

 

 

 

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“I am fine, thank you.”

The stigma surrounding mental health and other illnesses stops people from sharing how they feel with the ones close to them.

I am one person that advocates for talking about mental health, but over time I have realised that some people who haven’t experienced any mental health problems are rarely sympathetic and feel like you should snap out of it and get on with other things to forget about what you are thinking about.

As soon as you mention depression, anxiety or ptsd, you are labelled as an attention seeker.

How then is one expected to open up about what they are going through when its not even taken seriously?

How do you answer a question like, ‘so when will you get better or will you be depressed all your life?’

The only time someone is taken seriously is when they have a public meltdown but not everyone that has mental health problems will breakdown in that kind of way. It can be experienced in many different ways, for instance;

  • Tiredness and loss of energy
  • Sadness that doesn’t go away for a long time
  • Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
  • Difficulty concentrating even on simple tasks
  • Not being able to find pleasure in things that you used to enjoy
  • Constantly feeling anxious

Not too long ago, I was sitting with someone and they asked me where I had been as they had not seen or heard from me for a while. As I spoke to them, they rolled their eyes, then they said you know, “you cant be taking every diagnosis that the doctor gives you seriously. Just listen and walk away. If I had listened to doctors, I would be having a list of ailments that I have to think of and hundreds of pills to take, but I rebuke them in Jesus’s name and I am well’.

She went on for a while about how she deals with her life and that she will never allow an illness to control her life and urged me to do the same.

I started wishing that I had just said ‘I am fine thanks, and you?’ and moved on, which is what a lot of people with mental health problems end up resorting to.

photo cred. -slideplayer
– Hello, how are you I am fine, thank you! And you

We still have a long way to go in educating people about mental health, especially in ethnic minority communities where culture, religion and social stigma play a big part in peoples lives.

It is not a weakness to accept your diagnosis and be treated for whatever illness you are suffering from, no matter how minor you think that it is.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!

 

 

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Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

 

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

 

  • Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

 

  • Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

 

  • Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

 

  • Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

 

  • Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.