There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!
Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?
We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents. Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.
James C. Tanner
If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.
The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.
This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.
They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.
They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.
Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.
As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.
They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.
They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.
You are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.
You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.
Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.
There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.
They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?
They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.
They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.
They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.
They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.
They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.
Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.
On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers. They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.
It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.
How to spot and avoid toxic people
At some point in our lives we have come across or got involved with a toxic person or people. They are everywhere – in our families, work places, schools, churches and social clubs.
Dealing with a toxic person can be tiresome and very draining as they bring with them negative energy.
Sometimes when you meet someone, you may have a gut feeling that they are just not right for you but often it takes a while for someone’s negative attitude to rear its ugly head.
Here are some signs to look out for when dealing with a toxic person:
They are masters in manipulation, most times they like to orchestrate a relationship to serve their own needs.
They do not take responsibility for their actions, always quick to blame you for not being good enough or comparing you to other people. They do not apologise as they feel that it is always someone else’s fault.
They are very quick to criticise and pass judgement but they cannot take criticism.
If someone is doing better than they are, they want to look for negative reasons why that person may be doing well.
They are very good at playing the victim to gain sympathy and never make the time to listen when you are going through stuff, instead they will go on and on about something similar that happened to them instead of comforting you,
They will put you in a difficult position of choosing other activities or friends over them. They may suggest you watch a film or go out to eat but ultimately your choice doesn’t matter as they will talk down everything you suggest.
They are often kind when they want something from you and can be very difficult when they don’t accomplish that.
They are so quick to advise you to slow down or how you will embarrass yourself if you embark on a certain project yet they secretly wish they could do it themselves.
They have no conscience when it comes to sharing other peoples secrets, why do you think they will keep yours?
They will stop you in the middle of a sentence and say I have heard that already, just to make you feel small and stop you from expressing yourself.
They always look for friends who are beneath them to make themselves feel more adequate and successful.
Encounters with toxic people leave you emotionally drained and the time that you spend with them is about taking care of their business or doing what they want which will leave you unhappy in the long run.
Do not allow yourself to burn out trying to please someone that does not get satisfied and wants more and more out of you.
Toxic people will demand your undivided attention, invade your space, feel entitled to your personal information while being secretive of theirs.
It is not good for your emotional well being and eventually your health to be in that kind of situation and environment. Once you realise that it is going that way you may want to reduce contact with them, avoid them or maybe even cut ties.
It may be challenging to break free from certain people but do not hold on to toxic relationships, distance yourself emotionally and physically.
Removing people, especially family, from your life can be one of the most difficult things you can do but it can also be one of the most liberating and life-changing decisions you will ever make.
Fill your cup – make time to recharge
I came across this picture a few hours ago and it really resonated with me. Sometimes I do not have enough time during the day to do what I need to, I find myself working into the early hours of morning and being completely tired the next day.
Have you ever given so much of yourself that you run out of time for tasks, leaving them for the next day and then doing it all over again?
Perhaps you have a full time job, juggling child care and school runs, bringing work home, taking care of sick relatives and running a household. Maybe you are studying and have assignment deadlines to meet.
How many of us make the time to just breathe, have a lie in on weekends and days off and not worry about what tasks they haven’t completed? Some do not sleep more than 5 hours a night and some people actually feel guilty for admitting that they are tired and they want to rest.
It’s important not to overwork and try to get enough sleep in order to maintain a high level of productivity. Sleep deprivation causes fatigue, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, weight loss or weight gain and it can make you really grumpy.
Most people go to back to work after days off or holidays more tired than they were before they went away because they don’t rest during that time.
Think about this, when you are driving – you stop for fuel when you realise you are running low and not leave it until your reserve has run empty that the vehicle wont move. It is common practice to replenish other resources and the same should be applied to our lives.
Most of us panic when our phone batteries are low and can not function when we do not have our phones or mobile devices until they are fully charged or have enough power on them.
The bottom line is, that device is not going to work when its been depleted of power and will be redundant. That is the same as our bodies when we have overworked and under slept.
We need to rest and recharge so that we may be productive in our jobs and day to day routines. We can not constantly run on empty and expect our bodies not to pack up.
It is not a weakness to see the doctor if you feel pain in your body, its better than finding out there is a problem when an illness has progressed beyond treatment. Do not feel guilty when you are tired or under the weather. Sometimes its natures way of forcing us to slow down.
It is fine to rest when you are tired, if you keep going without a break, you will eventually break. When you have reached that point you will have nothing left to give and what good is that to you, your family, your job or whatever else you are doing?
You can’t pour from an empty cup, you can not drink from an empty cup!
Take a step back every now and then and have that relaxing bath, listen to some music that you like as you unwind or meditate, watch that movie that you have been meaning to catch up on for weeks.
Doing relaxing things doesn’t have to cost you money, it is about just making a bit of time to yourself so that you can be able to to function at your best and continue to ‘pour from that cup’.
Dear Family
My first thought was to say I am sorry for disgracing you by addressing my depression publicly, but after giving it some thought, I feel I owe you no apologies.
I am not sorry for realising that something was going on in my life and I could not get out a depressive mode.
I am not sorry that I accepted my diagnosis and got the help that I needed. No, I am not crazy, in fact I can focus a lot more clearly now that I understand what is happening.
I am tired of being sorry that I can not please you and I can finally take the time that I need to look after my self.
I am tired of picking up your pieces and being asked to be the mediator in your fights only to be blamed for things later.
I am tired of being the person you guilt trip into babysitting, running your errands and lending you money that never gets repaid.
I am tired of being afraid to say I just need time out today or have a lie in for fear of being called lazy.
I am tired of being validated by what I do for you. It will never be enough, the more I do the more the demands get.
I am fed up of your constant opinions that hinder me from using my ideas and moving on with my life. Why do you feel the need to bring me down all the time?
I am learning to be brave enough to say no when I can not do something for you whether it pleases you or not.
I am learning to rest when my body needs it and do things on my terms.
I am learning to embark on projects that I want and let you know about them later, I do not need permission to do what I want but you have made me feel like that for as long as I can remember.
I am learning that though I may be far from perfect, I can strive be the best person that i can be.
I am learning that you and I can have a relationship without me being, your fixer, your cashpoint, your driver, your maid and your punchbag.
Finally I feel a release, a strong sense of freedom that I can focus on myself for a change, put myself first for a change.
That is not to say that I will not help when you are in need but I need to be comfortable and want to help and not feel under pressure to do something for you because you need me to.