Tag: DEPRESSED

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Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

  • Feelings of frustration and anger
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Shock
  • Denial
  • Loneliness
  • Fear
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

  • taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
  • understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
  • not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
  • writing or talking about it
  • appreciating your own self-worth
  • not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

  • Feeling worthless
  • Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite
  • Compulsive eating for comfort
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
  • Having suicidal thoughts
  • Feeling empty everyday
  • Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
  • Having no energy for most of the day
  • Low self esteem
  • Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Cure for Depression: Meditate, Pray, Journal, etc. — The Bipolar Writer Blog – A Mental Health Blog

Welcome to suggestion #12 on curing depression. I’ve got a word for you fellow depressors: Mindfulness. Have you heard that one lately? I don’t even social media that much since realizing it contributed an unhealthy amount to my negative self-image and my -sorry; rambling. I don’t get around much, and even I saw that word everywhere. […]

via The Cure for Depression: Meditate, Pray, Journal, etc. — The Bipolar Writer Blog – A Mental Health Blog

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Discipline does not have to hurt

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Now this is one popular saying that most of my peers will be able to relate to.

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Growing up we were disciplined with the cane, a smack if you were close enough, a wooden spoon if you happened to be in the kitchen, a rubber slipper, a belt or even a punch if you misbehaved, broke rules or disrespected your parents.

That could have been anything from breaking glass, playing outside past your curfew, getting grades that were lower than your parents expected you to get, talking to boys, answering back, even interrupting grownups talking and getting low grades.

Teachers disciplined you at school and if your parents heard about it, you could get another beating from them. We had popular headmasters and teachers that were known for giving the best or ‘worst’ beatings in my opinion and some people still thank them today for the way they helped them shape their lives.

How does being beaten by someone else shape your life? In my opinion, it forces people into submission when they are with a person they regard as authority and teaches them that hitting other people is a way to deal with their anger.

Spare the rod and spoil the wife

As people get older and have their own relationships and children, they adopt the traits of their parents that you can discipline someone by laying a hand on them.

I remember my friends avoiding their older brothers if we went out because they were afraid of them. Why? Most likely because they had the parents blessing to discipline the younger siblings.

Women stick around in abusive relationships because they saw their mothers stay when their fathers beat them.

They stick around because they were beaten by their parents and often they were told it was done out of love. If they did not love them they would not bother correcting them.

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When a woman feels oppressed in a marriage or and walks away from being abused, she is encouraged to talk to her elders who in turn urge her to return to her marital home and put up with it; as we all know, marriage is not easy, you adapt and get used to the person you are with and you have to stay for the sake of the children.

There are men who stay in relationships where they are emotionally and verbally abused, for the same reasons as women. It also could be that there are children involved and they do not want to be caught up in a custody battle. Sometimes they do not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship because they have been raised in a similar environment, so they just put up with it.

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Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

The need to show who is the boss

I befriended a young lady that lived in a flat above me with her partner a few years ago. They painted a happy picture, such a lovely couple, but almost every weekend there were cries from her flat when she was being beaten. She refused to talk about it when we met.

They eventually went separate ways but the partner was known to tell the ‘boys’ when they were at the pub that he did it to show her who was the boss. It didn’t matter if she had been good or bad in his eyes, he still hit her.

But where does one person get the authority to raise a hand to another? Could it be insecurity; that they need to control another person them to keep them in check? Could it be learned behaviour from the way they were disciplined themselves as children?

I was spanked as a kid and turned out just fine

There may be some people that say, ‘we were spanked as children but we turned out just fine’ and continue the same practice with their own children.

There is no justification for laying a hand on anyone else but sometimes one doesn’t have to touch you to hurt you. Emotional abuse is psychological, you may not see the scars but the damage is long term. Survivors of abuse can suffer from low esteem, depression, lack of self-confidence, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), drug and alcohol abuse.

Children look up to their parents and learn behaviour’s and social norms through them. Violence is not love but we have been conditioned by parents and care givers that it is okay to be punished by the one that provides for you.

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Physical discipline does not help anyone, in fact it often leads to forced submission and acceptance of abuse in later relationships as well others developing abusive tendencies towards future partners.

We all need structure and discipline in our lives but it can be instilled without the need to be physical.

 

Disclaimer: This article is based on my readings, feelings and experience. Please feel free to comment and share.

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Choose Life

When you feel like there is no choice

Choose life

In the midst of a storm and you feel all alone

Choose life

When you think you have reached breaking point

Choose life

When you feel like a failure

Choose life

When that break up hurts so bad, choose you

Choose life

Times can get hard, but

Choose life

When you get overwhelmed by life’s problems

Choose life

When you are plagued by unhealthy thoughts

Choose life

When you feel like you are out of solutions

Choose life

When you think that no one will listen, there is always support

Choose life

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is

Choose life

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Not lucky enough to have owned the Kate Spade handbag but I sure know what depression feels like…

Earlier today the news emerged that  designer Kate Spade had taken her own life, leaving a 13 year old daughter and husband.

A child has lost a mother, a husband has lost a wife, irrespective of their marital problems.

photo by getty images
Rest in peace Kate Spade

Suicide is a choice they say.. But is it?

People that die of suicide will not be thinking straight at their time of death, their mental illnesses cause them to reach that point.

It is evident she was not in a happy place because she would not have ended her life and left a teenage child without a mother.

No matter what she wrote on her suicide note, the reasons are never going to be explanation enough to her family and those closest to her.

There are so many questions left unasked and unanswered. There will be so many stories that will emerge, some sympathetic, some; not so much.

No one knows what she was feeling during her last days for her to end her life the way she did.

One does not simply choose to die as though they are deciding what to make for dinner… “err, actually, I think I will die now”.

There are so many factors that cause someone to sink to a certain low, feel worthless and no matter how much they try, they feel that they are better off dead.

People who are affected by mental health disorders are more likely to commit suicide. Sometimes it is known before a persons death but sometimes it is known after.

Depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are the most common mental health disorders that contribute to suicide.

When a person is  so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and worthlessness they often think that they have no other option and start contemplating suicide.

It is hard to know how someone is feeling but there are usually tell tale signs that can indicate that they are depressed or have suicidal tendencies for instance ;

  • Avoiding social situations.
  • Feeling hopeless and helpless.
  • Exhibiting feelings of strong anger or rage.
  • Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
  • Abusing drugs or alcohol and self harming.
  • Exhibiting changes in personality.
  • Constant talk or writing about death or suicide.

It is important to watch out for theses signs and take action to enable someone to get the help that they need and possibly prevent a tragic suicide attempt or death.

The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide makes them taboo subjects to talk about. Most people that have suicidal thoughts do not want to burden anyone with their problems so they do not reach out for fear of being judged and accused of attention seeking.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is. Let’s stop the stigma!

Rest in peace Kate Spade

 

Photos by Pexels, Getty Images

Sources :healthline.org, www.suicide.org, www.thesamaritans.org

 

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Most days I am strong. Some days, not at all

There are days when I feel energetic and full of life. When I can do everything on my daily to-do list and more.

When my mind is sharp and my ideas seem to make sense.

When I feel like I am achieving my goals and making my deadlines.

When I am certain that all is well and everything is going to plan.

Then I have a day off or two when it feels like the world has stopped. When I keep meaning to do the laundry then leaving it for the next day.

When I receive bills and let them pile up but tell myself its not urgent until a reminder comes through the post.

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When I say I will return a phone call and then forget all about it or pick up my phone and end up doing other things on it other than making that call.

When I am just doing things on autopilot, because I have to.

It is not always easy, but that is the time I have learnt to take a moment and make time for myself  as I have come to realise that my mental well-being is as important as my physical well-being.

Actually, if I don’t feel well mentally, there is not much physical activity that I can do so I have come up with a few coping strategies to help me through those days and I will share them with you.

Firstly, tidy up your space

Clean your bedroom or room that you enjoy resting in.  There is a possibility that when you are feeling low, you will clutter your house and not have the energy to clean up and when you are in that environment you will feel more depressed.

Get some well needed sleep

Chances are, you are tired from your busy schedule. Make it a habit to get to bed at a decent time and aim to sleep for at least 7-8 hours. Switch off alarms if its at the weekend and have a lie in.

Avoid binge watching TV programmes

I am not saying don’t watch TV but my own experiences have been that whenever I get into something that I find interesting, I can’t resist the temptation to watch ‘just one more episode’, causing me to sleep for less hours than I need.

Also, when I have binge watched a programme, I suffer from serious withdrawal symptoms when a series ends. I feel completely lost and unmotivated. That itself causes me to get very low and feel helpless after.

Meditate

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When you have chosen your peaceful location, sit in silence and breathe. Pray or listen to  guided meditation to help with stress, feel more present and have better sleep.

Take a break from social media

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Its very tempting to spend a lot of time on social media, one video on Facebook leads to another and before you know it you have been glued to the phone for hours.

Read a book

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Find a good book and read a few chapters at a time. Try not to stay up all night reading because the story line is good and you are curious to to find out what happens at the end.

Consider getting help

If you are consistently suffering from low mood and you have tried self help techniques but you are not getting any better maybe its time you paid your GP a visit and discuss your symptoms so that you may get professional help.

Depression and anxiety can easily be mistaken for laziness and complacency in some communities. Please do not suffer in silence.

Staying silent is not being strong. Speaking out is!

 

 

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Happy New Year

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As the clocks struck at midnight and we joined hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, I took a moment to reflect on my year.

2017 was a year of highs and lows for me but mainly lows. It was an eye opener which helped me to look at the world differently.

It was the year I learnt that I have to value my loved ones everyday and not leave apologies and making up until the next time.

It was the year that I lost my father shortly after he had just come back into our lives.

It was the year that my only son turned 21 and started to make real decisions about what he wanted to do with his life.

It was the year that I learnt who my real friends are and that I do not need that many people in my life.

It was the year that I learned the power of ‘No’, and that it was okay to put myself first for a change and not lose sleep over it.

It was my last year in my 30’s and I look forward to turning 40 in May.

I had spent the last few days of 2017 saying I cant wait for this year to end, but I woke up today feeling the same as everyday.

I know that I can not magic away the negative events that happened in 2017 but I can choose to leave some things behind and try to continue looking forward not backward.

I just want to thank all my friends and family that were with me through my trying times for all their support and patience.

May 2018 bring you all that you wish for and more.

Lots of love,

Zandi

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Depression – Breaking the Stigma

 

Depression does not discriminate against race, gender, religious beliefs, financial status, age, and gender. As a black African woman that has experienced depression both personally and professionally, it has not been an easy topic to talk about with family, friends and acquaintances.

There are a lot of myths about depression and anxiety that cause a lot of confusion which can keep people from reaching out for help. Most people are afraid to ask for help among their peers, as they would be considered to be lazy or crazy.

Many people see mental illness as a weakness or personal failure and the following statements are usually made;

“Depression does not affect black people, its something the white privileged suffer from.”

“You need to get over it, find a hobby, take a walk.”

“Oh, stop being so sensitive!”

“Don’t take the medication, it will only make you worse.”

This makes people who are struggling with depression hold back on sharing how they feel.

Culturally we are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves. If you find yourself struggling at school, college or work, you cannot complain openly about things, as you feel conscious that you may be seen as being entitled, weak or merely just using it as an excuse for your laziness. Some depression is attributed to witchcraft or attention seeking and guilt.

We are conditioned from an early age to look out for others, help as much as we can, give as much as we can but it is not easy to say no, not today, I am tired, I need a break and just need to rest or have time to myself for fear of being seen as selfish.

We are constantly reminded that our lives are better than others who are living in impoverished countries. What have you got to be depressed about? You live in England; you have a job and a partner, think of people struggling back home or the ones in Ethiopia and Somalia who have no food or clean water.

The only time people cry openly is usually when there is a death of a loved one. Generally, crying is seen as a weakness and people tend to suffer in silence. We are supposed to be able to make it through anything. Our ancestors made it through slavery, we can make it through all the hard times, we have to keep going, and we have to be strong.

But what happens then when you have been too strong for too long? When you are tired of carrying other people’s problems and need time out? When you feel overwhelmed and need to find refuge in someone or somewhere?

While spiritual support is an important part of healing, the care of a qualified mental health professional is very important as with any other medical condition. Treatment should be sought earlier for it to be more effective.

We cannot simply ‘pray away’ depression or any form of mental illness. Why is it set apart from illnesses, such as cancer, diabetes and high blood pressure where one can get medication to help with their symptoms and be open about it?

The stigma surrounding antidepressants causes some people to accept their diagnosis but not share and not take their medication. They will be feeling worse each day, picking up their prescription every month after telling their doctor that they are no better and just stacking the medication in the drawer.

There is very little sympathy in some communities in relation to depression as people do not know how to handle it or what to say to someone suffering from depression. It is important that we come together to address mental illnesses and break the stigma attached to it because it can affect anyone.

If you start to feel like your life isn’t worth living or you want to harm yourself, get help straight away.

Either see your GP or call NHS 111. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

 

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I Want To Be Free…

Dear friend

The last few months have been a roller coaster, constantly turning and not stopping.

I watched my days turn into nights, nights back into days – a walking zombie, doing so much yet achieving so little.

All the time you asked how I was, I said I was fine. All the jokes I received from you I responded with a laughing emoji or just an ‘LOL’.

What you don’t know was that there were days that I could not even summon the strength to get out of the bed or even take a phone call. I had no energy or motivation to feel happy for myself or anyone for that matter even if they had shared good news.

I would drift in an out of sleep and hate myself for being so lazy. I took some time off work because I was struggling with day-to-day tasks and I thought a break would do me good.

I would wait until it was dark to go to the convenience store and by then it would be too late to cook so I would buy myself a packet of  chocolate digestive biscuits to have with a cup of tea before bed. But I wouldn’t have 2 or 4 or 6, I would gradually eat all the biscuits and wonder where they all went.

I would lie awake till the early hours of morning then I would sleep until lunchtime feeling guilty for my laziness, hating myself for not training and binge eating. I would be snappy and burst into tears for the most trivial things.

I would look at my reflection in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at me. I would just feel so tired, not motivated to do anything at all.

I would lie in bed for hours watching the news but if you asked me what was happening around the world, I would not know. I was absent from my own existence most of the time.

Each night I would make a list of things to do the next day, but each morning I woke up, I struggled with the smallest of tasks.

I pushed myself to do a course that I wanted to do as I had free time. I almost did not make it to the exam as the anxiety kicked in and I had a million and one excuses in my head why it was probably a better idea to postpone to another day.

It was one of those exams centres where you get your results printed straight away. I got my results slip and just put in my handbag and left the exam centre. I got home, looked at the results slip .. ‘I had passed’.

There was no elation, no happiness, just relief that I would not have to do it again. I changed into my pyjamas, got into bed and forgot all about it for a few days.

One morning I woke up supercharged and felt like I could take on the world. I cleaned and decluttered the house and started sending out applications for new jobs.

My CV was received well. My phone was ringing with recruiters wanting to chat about roles they could offer but I just could not muster the strength to take the calls. I didn’t feel good enough for the roles, I just wanted to curl up and hide.

What if they interview me and they don’t like me? What if I don’t hear from them? And with the calls that I took, I would obsess about my responses, did I say the right thing, should I have said this instead of that?

I would then be back on that roller coaster again. I felt like I was constantly running but not reaching my destination, I was just getting more and more exhausted.

Images that show what it feels like to suffer from mental illness. Bringing the inside to the outside.

Days rolled into nights, nights turned into days and quickly into weeks and months. I lost track of time.

Social events became a chore. I made every excuse possible to not go anywhere and if I plucked up the courage to go, I would be late because of procrastinating, should I shouldn’t I? Will I look silly in this outfit? Will I be comfortable with the people around me? Things that never used to bother me were starting to bother me.

Driving became a challenge, stopping for petrol became a challenge, getting out of bed was nearly impossible. I just could not understand what was going on.

I totally lost the zest for life, didn’t have the energy to exercise or even leave the house. I was tired and aching but I could not understand what was going on. I was getting used to being confined to the bubble that I had created, I would imagine myself dead after a road accident while I was driving. If I was at a strain station, I would fantasise about standing at the edge of a platform while a fast train passed.

Photo by Pexels

It got to a point that my thinking was so irrational and I would get upset by the smallest things. I just could not stop it, I wished it would stop, I prayed it would stop but I just continued in my never-ending burnt out state.

I knew I couldn’t continue feeling that way and I made an appointment to see the doctor. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after an hours consultation of describing how I felt.

I was given treatment options but none were forced on me. It was entirely up to me to make the decision which I made in a few days.

I will not lie and say it was easy, but knowing that what I was going through had a name, that I was not the only one going through it and that I could get better gave me a better outlook to life.

I am recovering, I know it will take a while to heal but I am getting better everyday.

I am taking things slowly, one day at a time in order to find stability and improve my well-being.

I do not feel like I am running to an unreachable destination.

I am not afraid of the future. I am facing my fears one by one. I still have bad days, but my good days are better.

I am sharing because I want to be free.

I want to be free to tell you that I really feel like ‘crap’ if you talk to me when I am having a bad day.

I am learning to say no when I feel like I have overcommitted myself.

I am learning that my strength and resilience is what will see me through.

I am learning to to love myself, put my needs first as I cannot help others if I am unwell.

I have decided that depression will not define me. I do not want to conform to a label.

I have control of my life and I will fight everyday to overcome this and encourage other people not to hide how they are feeling.

I know that I will be learning for a long time, but I am excited at a future where I can have control of my life and not hide behind a label.

Staying silent is not being strong. Speaking out is!