Tag: MENTAL HEALTH

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What does depression look like?

 

When asked this question,  the first image that comes to mind is a worn out looking man or woman with tired, dark circled eyes that sits alone in a corner somewhere and shies away from everyone.

Another is of a teenage boy or girl that likes to dress in dark colours and has piercings and some tattoos.

 

But does depression really have a look?

Can we define depression by a person’s physical appearance?

When we have conversations about depression and emotional wellness a lot of people from African origins and other ethnic minorities do not want to open up about mental conditions as they consider depression to be an illness that affects only white people and are afraid of being judged, but the truth is, depression does not have a specific look.

You could ride in a bus, be in a queue at the bank or working in an office and not know if the person next to you suffers from depression because you can not tell just by looking at someone. You could be the one suffering from depression and no one may know just by looking at you.

Depression doesn’t necessarily change a persons’ appearance but the person suffering from the condition experiences a change in emotions, therefore you cannot always point them out as not all emotions have an expression and some people are good at hiding their emotions.

Even when someone expresses a certain emotion, it may not be related to depression at all,  hence it is very difficult to tell if someone suffers from it or not unless it is diagnosed by a professional.

Depression is a very serious condition that can go on for years because the mood changes may come and go. It makes it difficult for one to live their life as normal as possible and carry out their daily tasks.

A one-off feeling of sadness or being down cannot be defined as depression, however, the term ‘I am so depressed’ is commonly loosely used when someone has had a challenging time or a stressful day or they didn’t get or achieve what they needed to.

Although many people with depression feel sadness, it feels much more severe than emotions that come and go in response to life events. We also cannot just conclude that someone is depressed if they seem unhappy about something.

It is a common misconception that being depressed is a choice, a luxury illness for attention seekers and sufferers are constantly being told to have a positive attitude.

Friends and loved ones often get frustrated or don’t understand why a person can’t “snap out of it.” They may even say that the person has nothing to be depressed about, they have a good job, nice family and so on.

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Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people, in fact, it is a major risk factor for suicide.

Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and are cured.  Just like any other chronic illness, some people respond well to treatment or therapy or both and some people take longer to respond or to seek treatment.

Depression knows no race, gender, age, political affiliation, marital status, financial status or religious views. Some people will be functioning well in their day to day lives and excelling in their jobs or school but still suffer from depression silently.

If you start to feel like harming yourself or that your life is not worth living, please try to get help straight away.

You can make an appointment to see your  GP or call NHS  on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

 

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Most days I am strong. Some days, not at all

There are days when I feel energetic and full of life. When I can do everything on my daily to-do list and more.

When my mind is sharp and my ideas seem to make sense.

When I feel like I am achieving my goals and making my deadlines.

When I am certain that all is well and everything is going to plan.

Then I have a day off or two when it feels like the world has stopped. When I keep meaning to do the laundry then leaving it for the next day.

When I receive bills and let them pile up but tell myself its not urgent until a reminder comes through the post.

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When I say I will return a phone call and then forget all about it or pick up my phone and end up doing other things on it other than making that call.

When I am just doing things on autopilot, because I have to.

It is not always easy, but that is the time I have learnt to take a moment and make time for myself  as I have come to realise that my mental well-being is as important as my physical well-being.

Actually, if I don’t feel well mentally, there is not much physical activity that I can do so I have come up with a few coping strategies to help me through those days and I will share them with you.

Firstly, tidy up your space

Clean your bedroom or room that you enjoy resting in.  There is a possibility that when you are feeling low, you will clutter your house and not have the energy to clean up and when you are in that environment you will feel more depressed.

Get some well needed sleep

Chances are, you are tired from your busy schedule. Make it a habit to get to bed at a decent time and aim to sleep for at least 7-8 hours. Switch off alarms if its at the weekend and have a lie in.

Avoid binge watching TV programmes

I am not saying don’t watch TV but my own experiences have been that whenever I get into something that I find interesting, I can’t resist the temptation to watch ‘just one more episode’, causing me to sleep for less hours than I need.

Also, when I have binge watched a programme, I suffer from serious withdrawal symptoms when a series ends. I feel completely lost and unmotivated. That itself causes me to get very low and feel helpless after.

Meditate

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When you have chosen your peaceful location, sit in silence and breathe. Pray or listen to  guided meditation to help with stress, feel more present and have better sleep.

Take a break from social media

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Its very tempting to spend a lot of time on social media, one video on Facebook leads to another and before you know it you have been glued to the phone for hours.

Read a book

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Find a good book and read a few chapters at a time. Try not to stay up all night reading because the story line is good and you are curious to to find out what happens at the end.

Consider getting help

If you are consistently suffering from low mood and you have tried self help techniques but you are not getting any better maybe its time you paid your GP a visit and discuss your symptoms so that you may get professional help.

Depression and anxiety can easily be mistaken for laziness and complacency in some communities. Please do not suffer in silence.

Staying silent is not being strong. Speaking out is!

 

 

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There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!

Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?

We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents.  Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.

NarcissismJames C. Tanner

If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.

The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.

This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.

They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.

They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.

Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.

As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so  that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.

They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.

They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.

shoppingYou are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.

You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.

Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.

There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.

They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?

They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.

They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.

They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.

They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.

They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.

Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.

On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers.  They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.

It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.